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What have we learned?

Here’s a brief recap of the films I went through this week, ranked in order of how highly I would recommend them.

  1. Plan 9 From Outer Space — How could anyone hate such an adorable film?
  2. Troll 2 — If not for the downer ending, this goofy laugh riot might have been my top pick.
  3. Showgirls — A campy and heightened good time for those with a lewd and brain-dead sense of humor.
  4. Battlefield Earth — Unforgivably stupid in every way, but at least it’s never boring.
  5. The Star Wars Holiday Special — A tedious and incomprehensible assortment of candy-coated bullshit.
  6. Birdemic: Shock and Terror — Impossibly boring, but at least it meant well.
  7. Manos: The Hands of Fate — Tedious, lazy, pointless, mean-spirited, technically incompetent, and completely unwatchable.

As for the honorable mention, I’d rank The Room somewhere between Troll 2 and Showgirls.

So, after this marathon of history’s most notoriously shitty movies, the question must be asked: What have we learned?

For my part, I learned that if a film’s monster isn’t scary, then it automatically goes from a horror to a comedy. By a similar token, if an English-language script is written by someone with no comprehension of the English language, then the film automatically becomes a comedy.

I learned that the internet never forgets, and it ensures that undeserving crap will live forever.

I learned that social commentary can make a good film great, and stupid social commentary can make a bad film worse.

Most importantly, I learned how vital it is to commit. Even if you make something without any kind of talent, resources, or brains, you can still reach an audience with nothing but raw passion. Pour your heart and soul into something, and someone out there will respect you for that much.

Now, how about you take a turn? What did you take away from these movies or from my blog entries on them? I’m eager to hear your responses, either in the comments, on Facebook, or on Twitter.

Until then, my friends, treat yourselves to a slice of cake for me.

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