You’ve probably seen quite a few movies come and go from multiplexes that claim to be based on true stories, but did you know that there’s actually a difference between “Based on…” and “Inspired by…”? See, the label “Based on a true story” means that the work in question is a direct adaptation of actual events. It means that the filmmakers actively set out to depict their subject matter as faithfully and authentically as possible. The “Inspired by true events” label is a lot more gray, usually implying that considerable liberties were taken during the film-making process. This is a convenient way for studios and filmmakers to claim that their stories are true while simultaneously avoiding libel suits.

The point being that when Unstoppable proudly claims to be “Inspired by true events” even before the credits roll, that leaves me with a whole lot of questions. Specifically, I want to know exactly how many liberties were taken in the depiction of railway employees. This is a very important issue because if the railroad workers in real life are anything like the railroad workers in this movie, then we are all well and truly fucked.

This film is hamstrung pretty much immediately because there are so few characters in this film who are relatable or interesting. I’d be more inclined to care about the people involved if this crisis was some freak accident, but no: The runaway train full of toxic and flammable chemicals was completely avoidable. The guy responsible was simply an incompetent slob. His partner didn’t help because he’s an incompetent prick. The railway workers who saw the train start rolling and didn’t even lift a finger to try and help are a bunch of incompetent jerkoffs. The lead welder is called in, but he’s no help because he’s an incompetent douchebag. Naturally, word of this eventually reaches a corporate exec responsible for the company’s bottom line, but he’s… well, you get the idea.

To be fair, it’s not like the railroad company is entirely full of morons. We’ve also got some genius who somehow magically knows everything about hazardous chemicals, train engineering and train routes, but he contributes nothing to the plot. Rosario Dawson plays a railway manager, but of course her sensible and intelligent suggestions are totally ignored by the corporate execs. And then, of course, there are our two heroes.

Denzel Washington is, was and always will be an astonishing actor. Chris Pine is making a nice career for himself on roles that are young, reckless and charismatic. Washington plays a character with 28 years of experience on the tracks, while Pine’s character is on his first day and probably got the job through family connections. Together, they make half of the movie almost unbearable. Seriously, all of their scenes in the first half are just “Washington: *passive-aggressively acting gruff while insulting Pine for his sloppy work*,” then “Pine: *whining about how Washington is a crazy old hard-ass*,” repeat ad nauseum. I can’t begin to describe how unpleasant it was to be stuck in the cab of a train with these two bickering jackasses, and their clumsy attempts at characterization were almost as bad.

I should also mention that the first half of the movie carries no tension whatsoever. This is primarily because we all know that the train has to keep rolling until Pine and Washington can get to it during the climax. However, we also know that all the plans at stopping the train can’t work because — you guessed it! — everyone in charge is repeatedly shown to be a hopeless imbecile.

But then, about halfway through the movie, Pine and Washington are in a conference call with Dawson and the corporate exec. This marks the exact point where Pine and Washington turn into likable characters who finally start working as a cohesive team. Meanwhile, Dawson effectively takes the movie away from corporate incompetence, giving Washington the clearance to start using his expertise while Pine acts as a capable and fearless set of extra hands.

The second half of this movie — especially the climax — was loaded with tension. Once our heroes finally get within spitting distance of the runaway train, it really is anyone’s guess just when and how the train will be stopped, in addition to what the costs and casualties will be. The movie does unfortunately cheat at times, with previously-failed actions that somehow work and a brake that Washington inexplicably kept in his back pocket until just the right moment. Still, the climax is very well-shot and edited with a loud and bombastic score that works in spite of itself.

Alas, the climax is followed by a tedious denouement and the movie closes with a text epilogue. That’s right: It’s not enough that our characters all get the exact comeuppance you’d think they would, but we’re also denied the pleasure of seeing it happen. Bullshit.

I’ll grant that the film is technically very well-made. The visuals are a touch wonky at times and the score doesn’t always work with what’s happening onscreen, but they’re both still serviceable. The big problem is with the screenplay. Not only does this film have so few likable characters, but it’s also rife with bad dialogue, half-baked character development and potentially relevant themes (union workers vs. non-union, old workers replaced by new ones, corporate layoffs, etc.) that are forgotten instantly.

Unstoppable is a misfire, plain and simple. The premise is solid, the climax is awesome and the cast is very good, but all are hopelessly weighed down by bad screenwriting and unforgivably stupid characters. This isn’t exactly “blight on the face of cinema” bad, but it’s definitely bad enough that you should consider taking your action movie dollars elsewhere.