The Batman had the grave misfortune of starting production at the exact point in time when the whole world was going into lockdown. Between COVID-induced delays and WB’s own catastrophic incompetence (Tenet bombed, the HBO Max rollout was a fiasco, they got dumped by AT&T…), it’s been a long, slow, agonizing journey for the Dark Knight to return to the big screen. As the film kept getting hyped up only to be pushed back again and again, it feels like the entire pandemic has been a steady drip-feeding of advertising and promotion for this film.

So of course after two solid years of this, I have more than enough thoughts to fill a blog entry before I’ve even seen the film.

First and foremost, it’s another “dark, gritty, and grounded” Batman film. Folks, we’re going to have to make our peace with the fact that this is how all the Batman movies are going to be from now on. If you want a lighter and more fantastical take on Batman, go to the comics. Go to the cartoons. Go to the video games. Hell, check out “Batman: The Audio Adventures” on HBO Max, that series did a stellar job of bringing a lighthearted and comical take on the character without compromising on stakes or thrills.

Basically, WB/DC have made the choice to leave the more heightened takes on Batman to animated media, and that’s a perfectly sensible choice. We are never going to get anything like that in a live-action Batman film ever again. Batman and Robin thoroughly poisoned that well. I know the film has gained a cult following and reappraisal in recent years (I’m sure it helped that Joel Schumacher died and now he isn’t a pop culture punching bag anymore.) but the bar for accepting that film or anything like it is still too high for any shot at mainstream success. Plus, it was the ’90s. Times have changed, and that brighter decade has a nostalgic appeal no modern blockbuster reboot could tap into so well. (Space Jam: A New Legacy tried, and look how that ended up.)

Of course, I can already hear the refrain “What about Marvel?” Yes, Marvel Studios has done a stellar job of adapting their characters into a four-color high-flying cinematic universe without talking down to the fans or boiling everything in sugar water. But that comparison is a no-win scenario. Either WB look like try-hard coattail-chasing copycats trying to imitate the success of the MCU, or they look like hopeless idiots for their refusal or inability to give the fans what they want and crib from the playbook that made the MCU into the most insanely successful multimedia megafranchise in history. (Funny enough, both are probably true.)

I might add that 20th Century Fox literally drove themselves into bankruptcy trying to beat Marvel Studios at their own game. Sony tried that as well, ditto for Universal, and both companies are still licking their wounds all these years later. Even WB itself tried (more on that in a minute), and it cost them so dearly that the company is still pulling itself out of financial turmoil even after getting sold to AT&T.

Gentle readers, I fear that the MCU has grown so utterly massive that the world isn’t big enough for any more like it. Until such time as the Marvel cinematic megafranchise collapses, we shall never see its like again and any effort at replicating that success will only end in folly. But I digress.

If you want to see what a “Marvel-style” take on Batman would look like, I’d argue we already got that with the Nolan trilogy. No joke, it’s entirely possible that there would be no Iron Man or Captain America: The First Avenger without Batman Begins to establish the tone and origin story formula so clearly evident through all the films in MCU Phase I.

With all of that said, of course it’s entirely possible to take the character too far into “dark and violent brooding” self-serious territory. WB learned that the hard way when they made the mistake of letting Zack Snyder get his hands on the character. (Zack, I love you, but you never should have taken that Man of Steel gig in the first place.) And you’d better believe WB took that lesson to heart — WB was confident enough in BvS to make it the linchpin of all their DC cinematic plans moving forward. When that underperformed, WB spent the next several years flailing in a desperate panic to figure out where their billion-dollar enterprise could’ve gone wrong and what could’ve been done to save it. The whole thing was an expensive and comically pathetic humiliation from which the studio still hasn’t recovered, and they damn well know it.

In summary, the goal is to make something grounded enough for viability as a live-action picture, but flashy enough for merchandising. Fun enough to be somewhere in the profitable Aquaman/Shazam!/MCU tone, but not cartoonish enough to fall into Batman and Robin territory — or worse, Wonder Woman ’84.

Put it all together, and it looks like WB came up with the solution, “Make the Nolan trilogy again, but start with The Dark Knight.” Not exactly an inspired strategy, but I can see the logic.

And honestly, if that was the goal, you could do a lot worse than hiring Matt Reeves, the guy who previously gave us two-thirds of the “Planet of the Apes” reboot prequel trilogy. Seriously, here was a man who took a concept as utterly silly as freaking “Planet of the Apes” and crafted it into something genuinely intelligent and heartwrenching while also serving as top-flight CGI popcorn blockbusters. No joke, there’s a serious argument to be made that those “Planet of the Apes” films are the most perfect trilogy in film history.

Then we’ve got Robert Pattinson. Yes, it sucks that Ben Affleck didn’t get enough chances to show what he could really do with the character, and it’s a damn shame he burned out so soon due to personal issues at the time. Still, Pattinson is a bold choice. Heaven knows he’s got much of the same tabloid baggage that Affleck brought to the character, and the role of “brooding loner” fits perfectly into his long-established wheelhouse.

But then we have the costume. I have so many mixed feelings about that costume.

Yes, I get that the film takes place earlier in Batman’s career, so the handmade piecemeal look makes sense for a prototype suit. I’m particularly fond of the collar, allowing for neck mobility and protection without compromising the silhouette like the TDK suit did. Nice touch. Oh, and that wrist-mounted retractable grappling gun briefly seen in the trailers? A-1. Stellar idea.

Alas, I’m not a fan of the cowl. All the best of Batman’s cowls were shaped and molded in an expressive way that simply wouldn’t be possible with the stitched-together look these filmmakers were going for. I might add that the mask is far less practical than previous iterations, as it leaves so much more of the jaw exposed and unprotected. And then I get to the chest emblem and those weird pipe-looking things on the gauntlets, and I wonder what point those could possibly serve. I don’t necessarily mind that they look different from previous iterations, but just… WHY?!

But by far my biggest problem with the suit came with the trailer. That one trailer shot in which we clearly see Batman taking point-blank machine gun fire directly to the chest without even flinching. Sure, it looks cool, but it completely breaks the character. A central and iconic facet of Batman is his reliance on stealth and surprise. He doesn’t need to hide in the shadows or sneak up on the bad guys if he’s freaking invulnerable. For better or worse, the one thing that defines Batman and sets him apart from all the other superheroes out there is that he doesn’t have any superpowers, getting by with his gadgets, his intelligence, his martial arts prowess, etc. If he’s capable of walking directly into a hail of gunfire without blinking, we lose that.

Moving on to the Batmobile, I knew that this would be my all-time favorite Batmobile the minute I laid eyes on it. See, if you actually go back through the comics history, the Batmobile started out as an ordinary car. Through most of the Batmobile’s history, it just looked like a really fancy sports car with a few extra flourishes. Even the landmark Batmobile of the 1960s Adam West show was simply a Lincoln Futura concept car with a few gadgets and decals slapped on.

That all changed with the Tim Burton film and the iconic Anton Furst Batmobile design. From that point on, across all media, the Batmobile became increasingly overdesigned. Even the Batmobiles of the Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder eras (to say nothing of that “Arkham Knight” monstrosity) played into the notion of the Batmobile as a power fantasy. And that’s important, yes, but the Batmobile had become so flashy and enormous that there was no longer any possibility for stealth or surprise — again, the two most powerful weapons at Batman’s disposal. There’s no plausible way Batman could drive any of the latter-day Batmobiles without broadcasting to all of Gotham exactly where he is, and that simply will not do.

The franchise and the character both need a Batmobile that looks just flashy enough that it would be awesome and badass to drive, but not conspicuous enough that it couldn’t blend in where necessary. This right here fucking nailed it. That car is lean and mean, stylish yet sensible. A sleek muscle car built into a jet-propelled battering ram, this car looks like it was built from the ground up to be the ultimate urban crime-fighting vehicle. I’ve been anxiously waiting for the past two years to see this baby in action.

In the other corner is the Riddler, here played by Paul Dano. The filmmakers have been explicitly clear in their portrayal of a Riddler heavily inspired by the Zodiac Killer, right down to the similar costumes and the crosshairs insignia. And given that both of them have an established history as serial killers who leave behind clues and secret codes to taunt law enforcement and prove how much smarter they are than everyone else, the parallel does make a kind of sense.

There is, however, a key difference: While the Zodiac Killer apparently killed any random person he could get his hands on, the Riddler has a clear political agenda. Moreover, the ads and trailers for the film (not to mention the actual ARG going on for the past few months) clearly show that the Riddler is going for — and successfully reaching! — a more public audience. He’s trying to wake up the sleepwalking masses, using riddles and games and hidden messages to make people feel smarter and more informed than they really are.

Simply put, this Riddler seems to more closely resemble QAnon in his methods and ideology. Of course, there’s a good chance that it could all be a coincidence — no way the suits at WB would risk pissing anyone off by entangling such a flagship franchise in something so divisive and incendiary. They can’t afford to do that when another massively expensive tentpole flop on this scale could doom the studio. Then again, it’s certainly possible that Matt Reeves is savvy enough to know what he’s doing. In any case, it’s Paul Dano — after There Will Be Blood, Prisoners, and 12 Years a Slave, there’s little doubt that he’s got the grit to pull this off.

Next up is Zoe Kravitz as Selena Kyle. Having seen Kimi, I’m a lot more confident in Kravitz’ ability to pull this off. What’s more, the Bruce/Selena romance is an iconic part of the franchise that never really got its due on the big screen. I’m glad to see that change this time, with Selena finally getting an introduction on the ground floor. Most importantly, Catwoman — in all iterations, across all media — is always at her best when she operates in an unpredictable moral gray area. This is perhaps the most famous and beloved villainess/anti-heroine in all of comics history, and I’m stoked at the notion of seeing her work in this more gritty and grounded milieu, delivering on all the wasted potential of Anne Hathaway’s turn.

Colin Farrell signed on to play Oswald Cobblepot, which kind of surprised everyone at the time of announcement. Then the trailers showed up, and he was borderline unrecognizable. Between the fantastic makeup effects and Farrell’s own well-documented comfort in mugging for the camera, he’s completely blended himself into the role. Alas, the filmmakers have been careful to temper expectations, making it clear that Cobblepot isn’t quite the Penguin as we love to hate him just yet.

That’s apparently being saved for the HBO Max spinoff. More on that later.

Elsewhere in the supporting cast, we’ve got Jeffrey Wright (himself a former Batman — see “Batman: The Audio Adventures” above) and Andy Serkis (reuniting with Matt Reeves — see “Planet of the Apes” above), both inspired choices in the respective roles of James Gordon and Alfred Pennyworth. We can also look forward to turns from Peter Sarsgaard, John Turturro, and Barry Keoghan, all seasoned and battle-tested supporting players.

Last but not least, I simply must talk about the score. The minute I first heard that main theme, I knew that Michael Giacchino had successfully done what Junkie XL had tried and failed at. It’s like Giacchino took all the atmosphere and emotion of Hans Zimmer’s score and distilled it into a relentless beat of four repeating notes. Play it soft and it sounds like a primal force lurking in the shadows. Play it louder and faster and it sounds like a storm approaching. With the exception of the late Shirley Walker (who basically took the Danny Elfman theme and perfected it), I’m hard pressed to think of anyone else who’s ever done a better job of musically expressing what makes Batman such a compelling superhero.

Even better, it sounds like Giacchino wrote two main themes: One for Batman and one for Bruce Wayne. Where one is a straightforward and overpowering horn statement, Bruce’s theme is more elegiac and complex. In context, it’s a neat way to explore the two sides of our main character.

Riddler’s theme is notable for the use of children’s choir and a kind of toy piano sound. That makes a kind of sense for a villain with a riddle motif, but it also brings a slippery and creepy sort of vibe.

I’m not as impressed with Catwoman’s theme, but if the goal was to make a theme for a femme fatale straight out of a noir thriller, then mission accomplished. In point of fact, the whole score works beautifully well as a potential backdrop for a grimy mystery thriller, which is exactly how this movie has been billed from the outset.

Of course everyone’s already talking sequels, and God knows the WB execs have had more than enough time to think about what they’d like to do next. We’ve already got two TV spinoffs announced for HBO Max, likely to keep up the massive success they got with “Peacemaker”. In addition to the inevitable sequel film, we can look forward to Colin Farrell’s Penguin headlining his own series, plus a prequel show about the corrupt Gotham P.D. (like we haven’t done that before).

The stakes for this one are astronomically high, folks. I can’t possibly stress enough how badly WB/DC needs this THREE-HOUR MOVIE to be a world-conquering smash. Sure, the film has been promoted to hell and back, and of course the film is selling out opening tickets every which way. But that’s only how you get to $100 million, and that’s not enough. Anything less than a billion-dollar gross will wreck the studio beyond all comprehension, and that means getting the audience to keep coming back. This will either be The Dark Knight all over again, or it’ll be Batman v Superman all over again. There’s no room for anything in between.

The Batman opens on March 4th, but of course you already knew that. Brace yourselves, gird your loins, and away we go.