It’s no secret that I’ve had some issues with Ridley Scott in the recent past. He makes movies that are too overblown for anyone’s good (as with House of Gucci and Napoleon). He refuses to course-correct for any mistakes (his overzealous devotion to keeping Prometheus in the pop culture canon). And yet on some level, Scott is such a relentlessly stubborn old son of a bitch that I have to respect him.

So here we are with Gladiator II, a sequel nobody wanted to a movie that killed off its main cast 24 years ago. Yes, there had been rumblings of a sequel over the past couple of decades, including many bizarre attempts at reincarnating Maximus. Not to mention DreamWorks selling off the IP to Paramount. And somehow, through the power of Ridley Scott’s inexhaustible pride and a cinema mainstream fueled by nostalgia, we finally have a Gladiator follow-up that leaves Maximus behind in the afterlife.

Let’s start by addressing the elephant in the room: Lucius, played in the original film by a young Spencer Treat Clark. Given that Lucius was such a young character with such strong connections to all the central players, it was a given that he would be of crucial importance for the sequel. Especially considering that Maximus no longer has any surviving family, as that was the whole point of his motivation in the first movie.

Well, Lucius is indeed a pivotal character in the sequel, though his involvement comes by way of a few significant retcons, improbable contrivances, and convoluted bullshit. And enough is tied up in spoilers that I’m loathe to discuss the matter any further.

Anyway, we pick up 16 years after the events of Gladiator, and Rome has only gotten worse in the time since. The empire has somehow fallen into the hands of twin emperors (brothers Geta and Caracalla, respectively played by Joseph Quinn and Fred Hechinger), a couple of vainglorious nincompoops. Corruption has grown rampant under their watch, and now the armies of Rome are conquering every land within reach for no reason other than greed and bloodlust.

Enter Acacius (Pedro Pascal), now the husband of Lucilla (the female lead from the first movie, played by a returning Connie Nielsen). Acacius is a venerated general of the Roman army, quickly growing tired of the emperors and their policy of war for war’s sake. But just before he stages a coup, Acacius goes on one last campaign to conquer the North African city of Numidia.

This is where we meet Hanno (Paul Mescal), a Numidian soldier. Long story short (Too late!), Hanno’s city is destroyed, Hanno’s wife is killed in battle, and Hanno is pressed into slave labor as a gladiator.

And into all of this comes the real star of the show: Denzel Washington, in the role of Macrinus. He’s a former slave who worked his way into power and fortune through the savvy acquisition and training of gladiators. And now that there’s a couple of massively unpopular, outrageously delusional, easily manipulated dolts bickering with each other over the throne, Macrinus figures this is the ideal time to position himself as the next emperor of Rome. Especially now that Macrinus has Hanno — a massively popular and frighteningly talented new gladiator — to use to his advantage.

To sum up, what we’ve got here is a sequel comprised of familiar parts, put to new uses. The protagonist is still fighting in the coliseum to avenge his dead wife, but instead of a betrayed Roman general, he’s now a subjugated foreign soldier. The Roman emperor is still a self-centered lunatic, but the role has now been split into two bickering brothers only barely able to keep each other in check. Senator Gracchus (Derek Jacobi) makes a return, but his role as the sensible voice of order and reason has pretty much entirely been ceded to Acacius. Conversely, while Lucilla is still here, she’s considerably more active in the plot this time (mostly due to the aforementioned Lucius developments). And then of course we have Macrinus, who’s far more aggressively manipulative and powerfully ambitious than the trainer played by the late Oliver Reed.

On the positive side, this means we get a sequel that’s recognizably tied to the original, but still gets to be its own thing without getting overly bogged down by fan service or beholden to what came before. It’s a good balance. Unfortunately, this also means a more convoluted plot, which inevitably means more complications and plot-breaking contrivances. (The literal plot armor in the climax is my personal favorite case in point.)

The sequel was clearly intended to depict the fall of Rome as an allegory for the fall of a certain other modern empire. (Kind of like what Megalopolis tried to do, but not as pretentious. Or as confused. Or as just plain bad.) Unfortunately, the film puts so much emphasis on the labyrinthine politics and shifting allegiances that the plot obscures any modern parallels that might be drawn. On the other hand, the political side of things is where Denzel Washington does his best work in this movie, and he’s worth the ticket price all on his own.

(Side note: Have Denzel Washington or Pedro Pascal ever turned in a legitimately bad performance? Has either one ever done a role or a movie that got universally panned? Let me know in the comments, because I’ve got nothing off the top of my head.)

Unfortunately, while the performances are wonderful across the board, there’s no getting away from the fact that we didn’t come here for the political intrigue. There’s a reason why all the most iconic lines and scenes from the first movie took place in the coliseum. We all came here for the action scenes, and they do not disappoint. We’ve got a fabulous war scene to start the film. We’ve got a guy riding a rhinoceros into combat. We’ve got a full-fledged honest-to-goddamn naval battle between two ships in shark-infested waters, all within the coliseum grounds. Is it plausible or historically accurate? Who cares? It’s fucking awesome.

With all of that said, I don’t know what anyone really expected from Gladiator II. Nobody wanted this movie, nobody asked for this movie. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve had to say it this year, and I’m genuinely depressed every time I have to say it, but this movie really shouldn’t exist. And yet, as far underground as that statement lowers the bar, this might be the first movie of 2024 to clear it.

Granted, it’s not “Best of the Year” material and it’s not good enough to retroactively make the first movie even better than it already was. We didn’t need this movie and nobody really needs to see it, but it’s still nice to have it. We’ve got a lot of wonderful actors giving solid performances, we’ve got fantastic action scenes in the coliseum, we’ve got the political intrigue and interpersonal conflict for those who like that sort of thing… seriously, by the standards of totally unnecessary films, this is about as good as anyone could’ve reasonably hoped for.

That said, the running time of two and a half hours might be a bit of an ask in this busy holiday season, especially when we’ve got so many other (and hopefully far worthier) awards contenders coming down the pike. It’s a wonderful big screen viewing, but if the first movie can hold up on home viewing, so can the sequel.