When I first heard about The Super Mario Galaxy Movie, I was perplexed. Sure, it made sense that the previous Mario film was getting a sequel, we all knew that was a given when it released. But skipping straight to the Wii era? That part I didn’t get.
But then came the 11th-hour reveal that Glen Powell had signed on to voice Fox McCloud in this picture. And that’s when everything made sense. Nintendo and Illumination were skipping straight to Galaxy so they could build a Universe. A Nintendo cinematic megafranchise.
Yes, I’m sorry to say that it’s another one of those sequels. You know, the kind of franchise picture more interested in setting up other potential films and franchises, rather than telling a coherent story in the here and now. We’ve seen enough of these in the past 20 years (Iron Man 2 and Annabelle Comes Home come immediately to mind) that we’re going to need an accepted term for them. For now, let’s call them “farsighted sequels”.
First of all, remember when we first saw Princess Rosalina (Brie Larson) in the initial teaser, when she’s single-handedly crushing a giant mech? I’ll let you know right off the bat, that scene happens in the film’s opening minutes. And it’s literally the only awesome thing she does before she gets kidnapped and held as the resident damsel in distress. That said, establishing her as a badass who gets so easily quashed by the villain serves to make the villain look like more of a legitimate threat, so kudos there.
The villain in question is Bowser Jr. (Benny Safdie), who was apparently sent to boarding school, got expelled from boarding school, and then went off to build his own Koopa Army while the previous film was happening. Said army includes a massive fleet of warships and what could only be described as a goddamn Bowser-themed Death Star, complete with a universe-destroying superweapon that needs Rosalina to power it.
How could Bowser Jr. accomplish any of this in so short a time? Hell if I know. But it’s not like this was ever a problem in the source material and there’s no fucking way Illumination is putting that much thought or effort into the plot, so let’s move on.
Before his big masterstroke, Bowser Jr. has to rescue his father (Jack Black, natch) so Bowser can bear witness to his son’s victory and give some long-overdue fatherly pride. Problem: After the events of the first movie, Bowser is still shrunken down and making a sincere effort at rehabilitation so he can finally be restored to full size and autonomy. But of course Bowser Jr. doesn’t know about that, so he’s on his way to the Mushroom Kingdom to take back his dad and destroy anything in the way.
By a stroke of luck, Rosalina is able to send out a warning message to Mario, Luigi, and Peach (respectively played once again by Chris Pratt, Charlie Day, and Anya Taylor-Joy). Thus Peach and Toad go one way, while Mario and Luigi go another way, all in an effort to find Rosalina and stop the bad guys. Hilarity ensues.
To give due praise, a lot of the first movie’s problems are addressed in the sequel. We only get maybe two brief minutes in Brooklyn. The Mario Brothers are given their proper due, as Mario and Luigi go through most of the film together. There are no annoying out-of-place needle drops. Jack Black doesn’t get another song. We finally — finally! — get to see Mario fighting Bowser on a bridge over lava.
Unfortunately, the sequel doubles down on the single biggest problem I had with the first movie: The over-reliance on power-ups. Because why bother with any kind of character development or growth or finding any kind of ingenious solution when the characters could simply pull the right power-up and solve everything that way? Sure, there are a couple of exceptions (a particularly explosive moment with Peach’s parasol comes to mind), but nine times out of ten, the filmmakers move the plot forward by reaching into their asses and pulling out a power-up. Hell, Bowser Jr. and his “boomsday weapon” are established as such impossibly formidable threats that they could only be plausibly beaten through deus ex machina bullshit.
What might be even worse are the occasions when totally random power-ups and effects are only introduced to pad out the movie. By far the most prominent case in point concerns the Super Scope that reverts the intended target to infancy. In terms of narrative coherency (i.e. how this works, why anyone has it, what purpose it serves in the plot, etc.), it makes no sense. As a means for working the Super Scope, Baby Mario, and Baby Luigi into the film, it makes a lot of sense.
Watching the film, it’s perfectly clear where the filmmakers put their priorities. We get huge sprawling scenes with Nintendo Easter Eggs packed into every corner. There’s a subplot and a massive action set piece for Ukiki and Wart (respectively voiced by Roxana Ortega and Luis Guzman), of all the deep cuts, that didn’t need anywhere near as much screentime as it took up.
And as for Fox McCloud? Sure, he serves a legitimate purpose as a mercenary hired to take our characters where they need to go. Problem: Fox McCloud is quite famously part of a team. And his signature vehicle — the Arwing — is repeatedly shown in the games to be a fighter jet without much passenger space. Thus the filmmakers had to cram in a flashy exposition sequence to explain how Fox got separated from the rest of Star Fox, and the Arwing had to be given a ludicrous redesign to accommodate our leading cast.
None of that was necessary, folks. They could’ve just gone with Samus Aran. She was right fucking there, perfectly suited for everything the plot needed. I can only assume the filmmakers went with Fox instead because they wanted the anthropomorphic animal instead.
As with all the other loud, brainless, candy-coated trash that Illumination has ever put out, this one is about the aesthetics above all else. We’ve got maybe 20 minutes of actual plot in this 100-minute movie, and the rest is comprised of sight gags, Nintendo references, and action set pieces that stretch on for way too long. At least the first movie made some plausible pretense at structuring the inside jokes and references around the plot, and not the other way around.
Two prominent cases in point come immediately to mind. The first is Yoshi, here supposedly voiced by Donald Glover, with so much pitch-shifting going on that it could’ve been literally anyone in the booth. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to see Yoshi onscreen and taking part. But he doesn’t add much in terms of plot. If the post-credits teaser of the previous film hadn’t promised Yoshi, I’m not sure he would’ve been included in this picture at all. Sure, he’s another character and potential franchise to introduce, but so is Wario and there’s still no sign of him anywhere!
The other major problem concerns Bowser. Here we’ve got a villain making a sincere attempt at reforming, which is not as absurd as it sounds — there are multiple instances of Bowser teaming up with Mario in the video games, particularly the RPGs. And now Bowser is faced with someone who knew him before all that, back when Bowser was the tyrannical Koopa King, tempting him to reclaim his old evil ways and go back to who he really is. We’ve seen this cliche in countless other stories, but it’s typically a former mentor or an old colleague. This time, it’s Bowser’s own offspring. Someone Bowser personally taught and raised, who looks up to Bowser as an example, and has since grown powerful enough to obliterate his father if those expectations aren’t satisfied.
It’s a fascinating angle. Trouble is, nothing’s done with it. The setup is intriguing, but the payoff reduces all of that to a waste of time. It’s simply a means to reset Bowser back to where he was at the start of the first movie, nothing more. Damn shame.
The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is another example of why I’ve come to hate Illumination with a fiery passion: They could be so much more than this, and they actively choose not to. They could cast legitimately talented voice actors, instead of casting for social media clout and modifying all the voices beyond recognition in post. They put so much time and effort into superficial references and in-jokes, instead of putting that same time and care toward crafting functional plots or interesting development arcs. They could do literally anything with all this beautiful animation, but these are the flimsy characters and hollow action sequences that we’re stuck with.
When Sonic the Hedgehog 3 came out, I knew that was loud and flashy and brain-dead, but it was exactly as good as that franchise deserved. The Mario franchise deserves better than this. The Nintendo fans deserve better than this. Illumination could be so much better than this. And it pisses me off that this is we keep paying them to deliver.
I’ll be interested to see if Nintendo fares any better with that live-action Zelda adaptation coming up. In the meantime, Illumination can go to hell and take those stupid fucking Minions with them.