I like to think that I’m a pretty jaded moviegoer by this point. I’ve personally sat through films like Antichrist, Hobo with a Shotgun, I Spit on your Grave, and Brain Dead. On top of that, I frequently learn about Z-grade cinema secondhand through such internet critics as The Cinema Snob and Obscurus Lupa. I thought that I could handle just about anything that mainstream or cult cinema could throw at me.

But then I saw Heavy Metal. And I was reminded that every once in a while, it’s good to be humbled.

When I rented this DVD, I knew absolutely nothing about the feature except that it was an animated film with a cult following. Big deal, right? Even the weirdest of cult movies generally have some semblance of a plot. Not here, brother.

Heavy Metal turned out to be an anthology film, made of several stories that each have their own distinct animation style. Their only common factor is the Loc-Nar, an evil cosmic entity of untold and unknowable power contained in a glowing green orb.

When we first see the Loc-Nar, it’s being carried to Earth by way of a space shuttle that dislodges a Cadillac. The Cadillac and its driver survive atmospheric re-entry without a scratch and then drive to a house on a hill. This segment, called “Soft Landing,” courteously lets the audience know just how high the bar for crazy has been set with this film.

We transition immediately to “Grimaldi,” the story that serves as the movie’s bridge between stories. It follows the astronaut out of the Cadillac and into his home, where he shows the Orb of Ultimate Evil to his daughter. I’ll remind you that this same man, not one minute ago, delivered this ball from outer space, and he did it in a Cadillac. Was this really the mission? Doesn’t he have someplace else to take the thing, and didn’t he have some other means of getting it there?

Once again, we have an early statement that logic in this film is rare and crazy in this film is overflowing.

Anyway, the Loc-Nar vaporizes the man (what a surprise) and tries to brainwash the daughter by showing her stories of its travels through time and space. They are as follows:

1. “Harry Canyon.” An Earth scientist delivers the Loc-Nar to a museum for exhibition, but some Venusian thugs want it for themselves. They kill the scientist, but his daughter escapes with knowledge of where the Loc-Nar has been hidden. She’s assisted by the eponymous cab driver, who takes her to safety and helps her through the mess. This is more or less your standard noir story, though obviously with a ton of science fantasy elements.
2. “Den.” The Loc-Nar teleports a nerdy teenager to some faraway planet, where he is granted superior strength for unknown reasons. Once there, he gets caught between two sides of a brutal war and wins the heart of a beautiful woman. So basically, it’s a John Carter knock-off.
3. “Captain Sternn.” A space pirate captain is on trial, but he pleads “not guilty” to all his various crimes. His strategy is that he paid off one of the key witnesses (named “Hannover Fiste,” har har), whom the Loc-Nar proceeds to turn into a raging monstrosity. The story is surprisingly dull, but presented with energy and a very amusing twist at the end.
4. “B-17.” A WWII bomber gets shot to pieces until the only crew left alive are the pilot and co-pilot. And then the Loc-Nar turns all the dead crew members into zombies.
5. “So Beautiful and So Dangerous.” An expert scientist is brought into the Pentagon to consult on a strange case of alien activity turning American citizens into mutants. Halfway through the meeting, the scientist goes berserk over an amulet — bearing a strong resemblance to the Loc-Nar — worn by a nearby assistant. The scientist is taken aboard an alien ship for repairs, and the assistant is accidentally taken as well. The spaceship pilots proceed to get stoned while the assistant and the ship’s robot get laid.
6. “Taarna.” A race of barbarians — ruled by the Loc-Nar — invades and slaughters a town full of intellectuals and scientists. Shortly before their deaths, the town’s elders summon the last surviving member of a warrior tribe sworn to defend and/or avenge the town at any cost. This warrior turns out to be the beautiful (and apparently mute) Taarna, who proceeds to go on a killing spree.
7. “Epilogue.” The Loc-Nar is destroyed for the time being, and the girl from “Grimaldi” takes Taarna’s place. Somehow.

Of these stories, the worst one is unquestionably “So Beautiful and So Dangerous.” All of the films are varying degrees of pointless, but at least the others all had proper beginning, middles, and ends. This one just meanders from one useless scene to the next, without anything that resembles plot or purpose.

Of course, “Taarna” is the one that everyone associates with this film, and rightly so. It has the best story, the best characters, the best animation, and the best action. It’s all the best aspects of the movie as a whole, rolled into one bad-ass package.

Getting away from the individual stories and onto the movie as a whole, it should come as no surprise that the quality is very uneven. A lot of this has to do with the animation, as the fluidity of motion and the accuracy of lip movements vary from short to short. In general, however, the film is rife with choppy animation and sketchy continuity. The rotoscoping looks great throughout, however.

A great many celebrities gave their voices to this movie, but none of them are worth mentioning. The voice acting throughout is very bland, though it doesn’t help that the dialogue isn’t exactly Shakespeare. In fact, I think it’s quite telling that the film’s most iconic character, Taarna, is also the only one who never says a word.

In general, this movie has two things going for it. First is the soundtrack, which is completely untouchable. Any soundtrack comprised of songs from such talents as Devo, Blue Oyster Cult, Cheap Trick, Journey, and Black Sabbath is bound to be made of concentrated awesome.

Second is the sheer level of creativity and batshit insanity on display. This isn’t just a superficial movie, it’s a movie that embraces its superficiality. To compensate for its complete lack of thematic depth, the film boasts outlandish designs for spaceships, aliens, monsters, and zombies, as well as some very graphic violence. Hell, the film even comes with a heaping helping of animated sex and nudity for good measure.

If I had to sum the movie up, I would do it thusly: Imagine if you took six incredibly geeky high schoolers, got them all astronomically high, then committed their wet dreams to celluloid.

Heavy Metal absolutely lives up to its reputation as a weird and outlandish piece of science fantasy cinema. The cult appeal is perfectly understandable, as the creativity and animation are both amazing enough to attract followers, though the plot is illogical and nonexistent enough to drive away mainstream viewers.

I can easily recommend this film to people who enjoy getting high, because I’ve no doubt that this movie isn’t nearly as much fun to watch sober. I can also give this a hearty recommendation to my fellow self-proclaimed geeks. Anyone with the slightest interest in science fiction or science fantasy simply must experience this film and all the images it has to offer.