Another Twilight movie has hit the theaters, which means that it’s time for every film fanatic (both amateur and professional) to re-establish where they stand on the Twilight phenomenon.

Personally, my stance on the Twilight franchise remains as it ever was: Fuck it. I’ve gone out of my way to avoid ever reading a single page from any of the books, and I’ve never seen any of the movies (though I’ve considered watching the Rifftrax for Twilight). I simply can’t support this franchise, especially since so many have suffered to warn me about it. Thankfully, I have Deborah.

My little sister went to the midnight premiere with a few friends. When she came back the following day, she was ranting. She wanted as many people to know her opinion about the movie as possible. To that end, and to avoid seeing the movie myself, I agreed to loan her my blog.

So, without further ado, here’s Sister Deborah:

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I should preface this review with a disclaimer: I am not a movie critic. I do not ask much from the movies that I watch. I do not, as a general rule, see movies as any kind of art form but pure entertainment for the masses. I am just one thing:

I Am A Fangirl.

I speak fluent Squee. My ability to suspend disbelief in the name of Cool Shit Happening should be written about in legend and song. I care about loyalty to the characters and their development above all things, including logic and plot holes, and I appreciate having fun at the bad movies as much as I enjoy teetering on the edge of my seat at the good ones.

So when I say that Eclipse is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, I want you to understand my full meaning.

Now, I read the books, and I hated the last two. In fact, if you haven’t read the books, I recommend stopping after the first two (Twilight and New Moon) and reading summaries for three and four on Cleolinda’s book discussion Twilight wiki, which will tell you everything you need to have a fluent conversation with any Twihard without actually having to read Meyers’ pathetic attempts at character arcs. So I wasn’t expecting much out of Eclipse. I went prepared, too: I purposefully didn’t read the book beforehand so I wouldn’t have any expectations.

Unfortunately, it didn’t help at all. Eclipse commits the worst sin a movie possibly could: It wasn’t just bad. It was BORING.

Each and every character in the movie turns into a selfish [insert expletive here]. The women become whiny, horny, pushy, and self-righteous. The men become selfish, testosterone-driven, possessive assholes that are so controlling and proprietary of their women that one just wishes they would just bring out the measuring sticks and get it over with. The combined effect is one that would make any decent person familiar with the dynamic of an abusive relationship wince.

Taylor Lautner continues to be, in my opinion, the best actor of the three main characters – something unfortunately abused in this film when, true to book, his newly found werewolf aggression turns Jacob from a sweet, smiling teenager into a domineering douchebag. Yet, compared with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, when Lautner delivers his lines they actually sound different from the last time he’s said the exact same thing earlier in the film. Lautner uses things like facial and body expression, and he’s really trying to build a good character arc for Jacob in this saga. (Can you read my sarcasm here? No? Maybe just a little?) I adore Taylor Lautner, that boy’s got honest class when dealing with crazy fans and endless interviews, and at the end of the day I really hope he has a career beyond this. He’s an absolute doll, and he works really hard with the total crap that he’s been given.

Kristen Stewart has improved, which was a pleasant surprise. Her scenes with her parents, Charlie and Renee, are just brilliant and really ring true to anyone who’s had an awkward conversation with their parents.

Robert Pattinson looks like a rock and acts like one, too. Nothing really new here.

What little bright spots the actors brought to the film (Lautner’s “Face it, I’m hotter than you,” to Pattinson was brilliant and made the entire theater laugh out loud, including me) were completely drowned by the horrible direction, which is really what I blame for the resulting boredom of the film. There was literally a two-or-three-second pause after every single line (I wish I was exaggerating.) When scenes are delivered like this through the entire movie, I know from my experience as a performer that it’s obviously not the actor’s fault – that’s a director’s choice, and in this case, the movie could have easily lost 30 or 40 minutes off the running time if the dialogue had moved at a proper pace. The music was excellent, a good set of music for those who like indie rock like Muse, but too loud and too prevalent throughout the entire movie. There was music playing constantly.

Also, and take this for what you will, but Taylor Lautner didn’t spend nearly enough time with his shirt off. I, as a fangirl who knows exactly why she’s willing to pay $9.50 for this movie ticket, was extremely disappointed that his frankly gorgeous body was not even present enough to redeem the movie in its entirety.

Hey, I’m honest.

Bottom line is, you wait and wait and wait for something to happen all through Eclipse, and by the time they reach the Werewolf vs. Vampire Army climax, you are just so weary of the whole thing that not even THAT can thrill you… and when a Werewolf vs. Vampire Army climax is boring, THAT’S A PROBLEM.

So, as it turns out, I’m feeling the same way about the movies as I do about the books: the first two, Twilight and New Moon, are worth having on the shelf because they’re fun in the way that Bad Movies are fun: Yeah, the special effects are lame, the dialogue is clunky, and the story doesn’t make any sense, but when you’re bored with your friends at home on a Friday night, these are the movies where if you just whip out some alcohol and get your MST3K snark hats on, you’re 100% sure of a good evening.

Eclipse isn’t even worthy of that. And that, I think, was the biggest disappointment.