It’s common practice to compare movies to popcorn. The implication is that a movie has no “nutritional” value and has only the faintest trace of flavor, but is still essentially harmless. I don’t feel comfortable describing The Losers in such a way because I found it to be more like a plate of really good Chinese food. It tasted great and it filled me right up, but as soon as I left the restaurant, I found myself inexplicably hungry again.
Make no mistake: This is a very well-crafted movie. From the first scene, we’re treated to cinematography that defies description. I’m very hesitant to use the word “stylish” in reviewing movies not associated with Danny Boyle or Zack Snyder, but there’s no other way to describe the title cards or camera moves. Hell, there are shots in this movie that look like they could be comic book panels, and I’m not just talking about the illustrated ones.
The action scenes are amazing. There are a few logic holes and some muddled geography here and there, but the choreography is uniformly stunning and shot in a dazzling way. Their presentation resembles a tighter and more honed version of the fight cinematography in Ink, artfully using close-ups, fast-forwards, slo-mo, freeze frame, shaky-cam and every other visual trick on the shelf to create immersive and dazzling fights. The scenes themselves are very diverse as well. There are gunfights, knife fights, fistfights and vehicle chases, and explosives of every size are used liberally. In fact, the explosives may have been used a bit too liberally.
There’s a scene early on where the villain is demonstrating a weapon that can destroy an island using only sonic waves and no radiation. We also see another weapon that has something to do with tachyons, string theory and singularities. And what do these superweapons have to do with the overall plot? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I call a big screenwriting foul on that one. It’s one thing to show a Chekhov’s Gun in the first act that doesn’t appear in the second or third acts. It’s quite another when the Chekhov’s Gun turns an entire fucking island to dust onscreen. How much did that plot dead end cost in VFX money, Warner Bros.?!
Fortunately, the screenwriting for our heroes is marvelous. From the word go, it was obvious that these are guys I’d want on my side. Not just because they’re a lot of fun and work together as an efficient and trusting team, but also because they can cause hurt in at least a dozen different ways.
Leading the procession are two actors that I’ve been aching for a long time to see in tough guy roles again. First is the erstwhile masked rapist with a sick sense of humor and a bloody smile, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Second is the forever Stringer Bell himself, Idris Elba. I’m very glad to say that both turn in solid work here. JDM is a skilled — if imperfect — leader of men and I’m proud to see that his action chops haven’t dulled one iota. Meanwhile, Elba remains a cunning and powerful lieutenant, always looking out for the group while also looking out for number one. And he gets to throw down in ways that would’ve made every street thug in Baltimore run away scrambling to get some bigger guns. As icing on the cake, JDM and Elba get a lot of screen time together and they act off each other wonderfully.
The next honorable mention goes to Zoe Saldana. Folks, this woman is WAY more than just CGI and mo-cap. In this movie, she is smart, confident and barn-burningly sexy, with action chops that are simply beyond compare. Whether she’s beating a guy or blowing shit up, she can kick ass and look fine doing it. I dearly hope J.J. Abrams knows what he has, because if Uhura doesn’t get out from the bridge for at least one action scene in the Star Trek sequel, I’ll be very disappointed.
Then there’s Chris Evans. He plays the comedy relief and ho-lee shit. I knew this guy was an underrated actor, but I did not know he was an underrated comic. Every line out of his mouth made me laugh and gave yet another reason for Scott Pilgrim to hurry the fuck up.
There’s no denying that this cast is a very strong chain. But like every chain, it has a weak link. And unlike most weak links, this one is visibly rusted and rotten to the point where it threatens to break the whole damn chain. This link would be the villain, Max, played by Jason Patric. I’m told that in the comic, Max is more of an offscreen presence. While we’d still be subjected to his annoying voice and smug dialogue over phone conversations, drastically reducing his screen time would still have been an improvement.
Max is campy, pretentious, one-dimensionally evil and he loves to hear himself talk about how brilliant he is. This guy would’ve been chased off the set of an early Bond movie an Austin Powers movie, after Dr. Evil laughed at him, beat him up and stole his black hat and fake twirly mustache. Max doesn’t even make sense, given that he has superweapons he doesn’t use and motivations limited to one line so stupid and unexplained that I won’t bother to repeat it here.
On the other hand, we have Wade. Played by some guy named Holt McCallany, Wade is a total badass who shares a history with The Losers. He’s smart, he’s capable with weapons and he’s every bit a formidable enemy for our heroes. He could easily have been a CIA heavy, killing innocents for Uncle Sam. Instead, he’s a second banana to the previously mentioned annoying weakling douchebag. Oh, and did I mention that Wade gets the more awesome comeuppance? I seriously want to know if I should blame the comic creators or the filmmakers for not making this guy the big bad and getting rid of Max altogether.
Anyway, for all this movie’s successes and failures, my first reaction as I left the theater had quite surprised me. I wasn’t thinking “Wow, that was awesome!” or “I need to see that again!” It was “I wonder what’s for dinner back home.” I had quite forgotten a lot of the film’s memorable moments until I sat down to type about them. I suspect that the movie’s subpar antagonist had a lot to do with this. After all, a hero is only as good as his villain and a mismatched conflict is hardly memorable. The Losers is ultimately a few hours that are easy to enjoy and conveniently prepare themselves for misplacement in your memory.